I'm glad we can talk - if it helps you sleep
by narrizan
Summary: It's just a whispered conversation in a darkened hallway. Part 26 of the 49 Days series on AO3


I'm glad we can talk - if it helps you sleep

Notes: Usual disclaimers apply, not for profit, for fun.

For Ascended_Sleepers, because she's wonderful with ideas. Thank you so much dear! I do hope you like this piece.

" Lavi and Miranda have a conversation about the Millennium Earl, the Noah family, what being exorcist means to them and share their opinions on the war and what they've been through, Lavi's loss of Innocence, etc (set right after the battle in the Noah's Ark (before Black Order invasion arc)." - what she said.

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The noise in the infirmary dies down eventually. Kanda promises to stay only if Tiedoll takes his flowers and go. The old man is probably so relieved and grateful that someone he looks on as a son has come back from the dead. Even Kanda eventually relents and lets him stay awhile. After the loss of Daisya he cannot begrudge him that. The nurses come round and issues every one with industrial strength earplugs to shut out the godawful sounds emanating from Krory. Allen had sneaked out earlier, no doubt to eat the Order out of house and home - and still not come back.

.

The infirmary finally - finally attains that level of peace and quiet, it should have with their sick beds full of patients who require their rest. Wrapped up in that eerie silence save for the breathing of sleeping patients. ( and Krory's rumblings)

Unfortunately the only thing the earplugs do for Lavi is amplify his pulse in his ears. He can hear each lub-dub, and in his battle weary and weakened stated he fancies that the heart he'd so long denied, is making its presence felt in as tangible a way it can. He lies there listening to that throb, pulsing away, taunting him, chasing sleep, wherein he gives up all thoughts of sleepin the end, "Sod this for a game of soldiers!"

.

He shoves off his covers in a fit of frustration. He swings his legs over the side of the bed.

"Oi! Where are you going?" is Kanda's harsh whisper, from the bed to his right.

Barefooted he takes the few paces to the swordsman's bed. "Na, Yu-u, you rest, I just need a bit of a walk and then I'll sleep ok?" He promises. He is only brave because Mugen, like Ozuchi Kozuchi is with the Science Division in pieces, and risks patting the man on his head.

"Whatever. Just don't wake me when you come back in."

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As stealthily as possible, he continues on his way. Outside, the corridor is silent and dim, only a few lights illuminate the hallway. Silently, he shuts the door to their ward. Another one opens simultaneously. It's the entrance to the room where Lenalee and Miranda have been allotted. He shrinks into the wall, afraid for one moment it might be the head nurse. That would be the end of his midnight sojourn. He huffs out a sigh of relief when he realises that it is Miranda. Her eyes widen when she see him, and then she timidly smiles.

"You can't sleep either?" He asks softly. She gives a slight shake of her head. He's quite glad it is Miranda and not anyone else. He is still in awe of her. Because she had held on right until they got through the Ark and arrived back at base. Even then, even then she was so reluctant to deactivate her Innocence. He'd also overheard Marie recounting events to Kanda, how sad and guilty she felt, the tears she'd shed when she thought she was too weak to hold on to the Time Records of everyone on the Ark. Most of all he still feels guilty for the off-handed and brusque way he spoke to her back on the ship, before they got to Edo.

.

"Are you alright? Why can't you sleep?" He asks again. Suddenly worried that maybe she received hidden injuries no one can see.

"No just restless I guess," her voice, he is surprised to note is quite steady. She shrugs. "I suppose maybe when I passed out earlier, I fell into a deep sleep, so even if it wasn't a long sleep, maybe my body is rested already," her voice trails off. "Ah-h sorry, sorry, I'm babbling."

"No, no" he waves her concerns away, "I can't sleep either."

There is an awkward moment, then Lavi gets an idea. "Just wait a moment ok. Uh - don't go anywhere." Then disappears back into his room, when he emerges, he's got a his pillow and a blanket in his arms. "I think the idea of not having chairs out here is to discourage visitors from loitering, but here we can sit on these."

He lays the pillow on the floor against the wall, then proceeds to fold the blankets several times over to use as a cushion. "Please, have a seat."

"Why, thank YOU kind sir," she gives a small soft girlish laugh.

"Well we might 's well be comfortable in our sleeplessness, no?"

After settling on the makeshift cushions, they fall into a small silence. Lavi feels that maybe this is the best time to apologise for his behaviour on the ship. It was simply inexcusable, and that he should make amends. For breaking the glass and making her use up unnecessary energy to fix a broken window because he was being a petulant child. When he'd ignored her pleas to leave the ship, undo the effort she's put in to fix the ship, to fix him. For not being able to protect the ship, because he wasn't focused enough, and a whole host of things he wants to apologise for. He does not know where to begin.

"Uhh, Miranda," he starts, "I'm sorry." He doesn't know to look at her or not so he opts for looking at his hands in his lap. "I'm sorry that I … I was … that I behaved so terribly to you and the crew on the ship." He exhales heavily, "I'm so sorry that I behaved so selfishly."

"P-please don't. There's no need to apologise." She shakes her head vehemently. "You were feeling like everyone did then. We were helpless and we couldn't help her and that really hurt." She stared down at her own bandaged hands for a long moment, "I know that feeling, it isn't a nice feeling. So please don't. There's no need to apologise."

"Ahh your hands, are they ok?" He asked, concern flooding his voice when he sees her contemplating her hands.

"Yes, they're fine. The puncture wounds … I received … back then, they opened up again." She thinks she might wear gloves now, like Allen does. She feels marked, branded. By a Noah.

"Back then?" Lavi is uncomprehending.

"Uh, yes, that time. That time with the Noah. Road Kamelot."

If there is a name that strikes fear into Lavi's core, that would be one of them. He shudders, thinking of how narrowly he could have been lost himself forever in her Dream Dimension. He wonders what would have happened to his body eventually with only the shell of a memory of a past life becoming him. Would it have died? Would it have kept on living the lie, and become more of the Bookman that he was expected to be? Would it … his mind trails off.

"-vi, Lavi?" there's a gentle touch on his shoulder. "Lavi - are YOU alright?"

He hangs his head ashamedly and nods. His bangs falling over his eye.

.

For a moment he looks like a child. A lost child to her. She's gets the feeling that they're all like lost children somehow. In this war. Broken souls, broken dreams, clinging on to each other, because they're what are holding each other up. Somewhere inside of her, she's a little bit glad that she's part of this bigger thing, and that she isn't alone. But Lavi especially sometimes looks more lost to her than the others. There is a vulnerability that she sees in him that seems to set him apart from others. But she shrugs to herself, that might just be in her fanciful head though.

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For a few moments each of them are lost in their own thoughts.

"Yes, I'm fine," is the reply - slow in coming. "That Road," Lavi laughs nervously, "she's quite the character."

She looks at her hands again, remembering being nailed to her clock, remembering the paralysing fear. The fear for herself, for Lenalee and Allen. The fear that she'd just found these people that might be her first friends and they were on the cusp of being killed, taken away from her. The debilitating fear of that loss more great than the fear of losing her life. She too joins Lavi in soft hysterical laughter.

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He puts his hand on his chest and rubs at it. It's just phantom pains, because he wasn't really stabbed. Not physically. Even though Road WAS the one he did stab, lucky guess, educated deduction, a bit of both. He isn't quite sure. He still feels a bruise that isn't there, he still feels the cut from the knife that wasn't real.

Their joined nervousness, becomes real laughter. Though they manage to keep it softly quiet, to do their best not to wake the others at their rest.

"The Noahs, they're humans right?" She asks. Lavi simply nods. "Why do they want to destroy humanity so badly. It seems, it feels like some inherent need."

"Truthfully, I don't really know. Logically, there is no good answer for that … but I can give you the Bookman's answer." Lavi looks around, as if he expects to see his elder ready to clock him one on the head. "But you mustn't breathe a word to anyone that I've told you this, although some in the Order already know. It isn't common knowledge."

"Well then," Lavi inhales, "the Noah, are humans who've 'awakened' - so to speak - to special powers, from 'remembering' the first 'Noah's' hatred against God for killing everyone. That's the simplest way I can put it." Lavi shrugs and continues. "They each awaken to different powers and one of the things we as Exorcists can fight them with is our Innocence." Absentmindedly Lavi's hand goes to his right thigh, but of course his hammer isn't there.

Miranda notices the movement, "I'm sorry."

"Eh? Why're you sorry."

"Because you don't have your Innocence at the moment."

"Yeah - it's that damned Tyki Mikk's fault!" He growls out softly. "I hope Komui can fix it. I - I don't know what I'll do if I cannot continue being an Exorcist." He's honest about that at least, "Though I probably will have to leave and train harder to become the best Bookman ever," he says heavy with sarcasm. He leaves out the part about the new name and adopting a new and different personality.

Miranda is actually shocked with which the spite drips off that last. She looks sideways at him. She continues to speak softly, "After being shown what I can do, and how much I can help - even if I think it's too little all the time - I'll be lost too if I suddenly didn't have my Innocence. I'll be back to being unlucky, more afraid than ever and useless." She continues even softer, and Lavi has to strain his ears, "I'll not know what to do either."

It must be near dawn. There are sounds coming from the top end of the hallway. Startled into awareness, Lavi stretches his legs and pulls his arms up to get the cricks out of his back. He rubs the back of his neck a little sheepishly.

"Oh hey, I've kept you up all night now." He rises to his feet, and gives her a gentle hand up.

"No, no, it's been soothing to talk." She takes his hand gracefully. "Thank you."

"At least maybe I'll be tired enough to sleep through Krory's rumblings," He laughs.

"At least maybe I'll be tired enough to sleep through Komui''s visits," she joins him in the small laughter.

"You tell that Komui to turn right back round to work to fix both mine and Kanda's Innocence." Lavi grins an evil grin, "if he isn't afraid of me, he should at least be afraid of Kanda's wrath."

"Yes, yes I'll remind him." She turns to him once more before heading back to her sickbed, "and uh, Lavi, Good night. Do rest some, you'll need all your energy to fight with your Innocence again right?"

"Yes, yeah you too," he bends over to pick up the bedding they'd used.

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"Oi! - If you fall over because you haven't had enough rest, I'll just kill you myself!"

"Yes Yu-U!" Lavi's voice is small and tired, "I know you care, and I'm going to sleep right now, 'K?" A yawn later, " g'night Yuu."

"Tch, idiot!"

..

FIN

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Notes: This IS for posting date 25 August. If it IS your birthday today, HAPPY BIRTHDAY! ^_^

Writing all conversation is also hard. Almost as hard as writing action. *sigh*

Not as much sharing as it should have, as well as not enough Noah and Earl (but I kind of noticed that belatedly), so it's only sort of a fulfilled prompt. I do hope you still enjoy reading it though.

I tried to find out when 'sod this for s game of soldiers' originated, but couldn't. The results are conflicting. BUT, in this instance I decided to use it anyway, because I kind of like it and can imagine Lavi saying it! So yeah.

Once again, I thank everyone who comes to read, I say enjoy, and much love - Zan

Part 26 of the 49 Days series


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